I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
