dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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