now i know why i became what i already was.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
