He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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