my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
