i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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