my phone needs a breathalizer
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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