I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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