i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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