The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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