i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
