Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize