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I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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