her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
She made me pour olive oil on her.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
