I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
