No, drunk sperm still make babies.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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