I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
