oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
