Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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