I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
