I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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