my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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