my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
