If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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