my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
