my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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