Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
