I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
