brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
