Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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