she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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