i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
