Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
