I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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