when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
