I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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