i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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