I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
