I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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