i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
