Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
