ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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