I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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