If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize