hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
