Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
