Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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