I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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