I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
