My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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