I wish you could order shots online.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
