Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
