I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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