She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
