evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
