Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
