He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
