Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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