So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
