I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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