well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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